We heard no.

Yesterday was hard, but yesterday’s tomorrow is harder, because now we cope with the aftermath of yesterday. It took me a long time to convince myself not to just stop writing after that sentence, We heard no. It took us a long time to convince ourselves not to just stop this whole thing altogether. Forget roller coasters, I feel like I was living in zero-gravity and someone turned the gravity back on and suddenly slammed me to the floor. My stomach is still somewhere up there and hasn’t caught up with me yet.

But there’s no time to be wasted in this process; before we even hung up the phone after our worker told us the news, we had already told her to reach out as soon as possible about all the children we had missed out on while we were waiting for this one. The time for processing your feelings needs to come AFTER business hours, there are emails to be sent.

Like every place we visit in adoptionland, we are tasked with making space for so many feelings at once. The sting of rejection, the anxiety of worthiness, the sadness and joy that comes with knowing a child found a family, but we weren’t it. The frustration of their justifications, and frustration at ourselves that there is nothing we can do about them. The fear and pain knowing there are many, many more nos to come before we will hear just one yes. How many more times will I have to say it? We heard no. We heard no. We heard no.

We’ll take the weekend to sulk, and try to retrieve the hope that yesterday’s today held. Next week’s children, next month’s children, deserve our whole selves. But those are our next week, next month selves, and our “this weekend” selves are just going to choose one feeling…sad.


3 thoughts on “Yesterday

  1. Laura andNate-HOPE is all we have. We have been there! It is hard, and nobody fully understands until they walk and share your path! Don’t close yourselves off. Your posts and open communication will allow others to get a glimpse of your journey,and you will gain the support and love that you need to continue down this road. Don’t ever doubt yourselves that you won’t be worthy or good enough to parent. LOVE NEVER FAILS, and it is going to happen to you two! It took over three years for Tim to come into our lives. It was very difficult going before a foreign country’s embassy. We had a referral before Lauren, that fell through. It is heart breaking! We understand your pain. We share your feelings. We are here for you, if you need to talk, or need a hug, or you want to share a pizza. We love you two. Laura, you have never been one to accept no without a good fight. You are very spirited. Hold onto that. Nate, you hold onto Laura! But neither of you hold back!!! Get ready to hold onto that child that will soon come into your lives. Prayers will continue on our end. You guys have this! Hang in there!!!! Love you both!


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